Friday, June 26th: Stuck In Traffic

Serve me right for taking the car to work to clean out my desk, but 7 pm saw me stuck waiting to get on the Lion's Gate bridge from the park entrance. Problem? Cyclists.

It was the Critical Mass guys holding up traffic on their monthly ride, and June being Bike Month, it was one of the largest rides this year. I would say it took about an hour or so for the road to clear up. People were upset and angry. Families going away for the weekend missed their ferries.

Now, not that I'm opposed to Critical Mass in principle, or that I really had anything important to do, but I have to say that I don't see how this social event does anything other than drive a further wedge between cyclists and motorists. Sure there'll be people suggesting that cyclists have just as much right to the road as I do, and I wouldn't dispute that in any way. However, in San Francisco, where the Critical Mass phenomenon first occurred, cyclists can participate in something called "Critical Manners" where groups of cyclists still ride on major roads, but obey traffic laws like red lights. There's a similar movement in Portland called "Courteous Mass".

Point is, Critical Mass has no real stated purpose other than to get a group of cyclists and go for a communal ride. It is leaderless, and only loosely organized, and in most cases what you end up with is a group of frustrated motorists who are now less likely to share the road with a lone cyclist. I'd go so far as to suggest that Critical Mass indirectly leads to cyclist/motorist conflicts outside of the actual rally.

Critical Mass needs a point. It needs to be for bicycle advocacy, or to encourage people to ride, or to protest the need for more bike lanes. It could be so much more. Right now, it's just people having fun at the expense of other people.

Helmets

Initially, I had intended that this blog be updated on a daily basis. Sadly, that has fallen by the roadside as rapidly as my determination to cycle every day. Still, it's time to get back on that horse...er bicycle, and I'm heading to the bike shop today for some padded trousers.
I've resisted the padded cycling shorts for a while, and I can't really remember why. I guess I prefer the all-natural look, rather than the padded rear. Aw yeah baby, that's all Brendan.

Anyways, that's later, but let me just talk about bicycle helmets for a bit:
Someone gave Katie a bumper sticker that says, "You'd Look Hotter in a Helmet." This is not true. Had the bumper sticker said, "You look like a complete dork in that helmet", then I would probably added it to the sticker collection on the back of the Subaru, but it didn't make the cut. Helmets are dorky.
I guess that's the reason I don't ever see the cool kids wearing them. Fixies, skinny jeans, unsightly ass-crack: you better believe that dude ain't going to mess his bangs up with a helmet.

Myself, I've never been cool, just cold occasionally, so I wear my helmet. Katie once tried to tell me (after I got all self-righteous about the issue) that not wearing a helmet makes you ride more safely, and thus be less likely to get into an accident, but somehow I still don't get to buy a motorcycle.

BC Ferries and Not Riding

So this weekend I spent some time in Victoria, basking in the sun. I saw a lot of hippies. I saw a lot of old people. I saw a lot of beer. I drank the beer.

Then I took BC Ferries home. Eventually.
Normally, you show up and the ferry is late. However, the new ferry is apparently much more reliable, which was some comfort when the terminal suffered a power outage and we stopped loading. Still, after only half-an-hour, feverishly working crews were able to not do anything. People in orange vests milled about in aimless panic like a herd of safety-concious zebras with a lion nearby.
Then we started loading, an hour late. Ten minutes into loading, there was a helpful announcement informing us that we were loading.

What I didn't do for the last few days was ride my bike, principally because it got left behind when I went to Victoria. I did ride yesterday though, and it was fantastic, although I got passed by a guy whose grotesquely bulging and heaving calf muscles resembled a rabbit trying to escape from inside a boa contrictor. Still, I had lots of energy.

Unfortunately, I didn't ride this morning as I was going to take my parents' car in for a replacement windshield, but the guys ordered the wrong part, and now I have to bring it in again tomorrow. Too long without riding is bad, but I'm going to go to the bike store to make up for it.

Friday, June 10th: Cycling to Work

I cracked the 100km barrier this week, figuring I did about 25kms a day. Feeling pretty good about that, and hopefully I can keep from slacking off.

This morning though, I rode early, leaving the house around 7:30 a.m.. That meant I got to ride with Cyclists. Now I'm not a Cyclist, I'm just a pudgy guy on a bike. That means I can usually overtake helmetless blondes on their trendy cruiser bikes and the elderly, but always get passed by the serious dudes. You know the type, in the closet: four Hugo Boss Suits, three popped-collar polo shirts and two pairs of $300 jeans, everything else spandex.

Not that I'm not getting passed by regular people too, it's just the BroCylists that really annoy me. I passed two coming the other way on English Bay and overheard this:

BroCyclist #1: "Dude, I f***ing love bananas."
BroCyclist #2: "Yeah Dude, they're like jam-packed with vitamins and sh**."

Luckily, if their seats are anything like mine, they'll have been infertile for years.

Legs, and Cycling Karma

Good ride today, probably the best yet.
I discovered that my legs, despite having the musculature of a curtain rod, are actually fairly complex things, and I can sort of shift the workload around from quads to calves. At this point, my quads are more like unos and my calves are embryonic, but it helped a lot. I managed to get an extra gear up the hills, and my bike is only an 8-speed, so I pulled a bit more speed.

I've talked about Bus Karma before, and today I also had good Cycling Karma. Good Cycling Karma is rolling up to the light to find that someone has already hit it for you. Good cycling Karma is getting the insta-change at the pedestrian-controlled light. Good Cycling Karma is seeing the shadow-hidden bump in the pavement before your giblets get smashed into giblettes.

Overall, I hit work nearly 10 minutes earlier. Unfortunately, I can't climb stairs anymore...

Wednesday, June 10th: Cycling to work

I had intended to write a short bit about my bicyle or something, as the same ol' routine has got to be boring you by now: complain about Lion's Gate, get tired, suffer allergy attack, injure groin. However, something fantastic happened today! I passed somebody on a hill.
Oh yeah, represent! Take that, elderly woman on a folding bicycle!

Of course, I was passed by two guys who weren't exactly Ironman types, but maybe they were just wearing really good disguises.
I guess three days of cycling doesn't instantly turn you into Lance Armstrong; which is good because I'm awfully attached to old lefty down there.

Tuesday, June 9th: Cycling to Work

9:20 a.m.
Whoops, a little late leaving today. Almost didn't manage to grab supplies:
-deodorant
-water-bottle
-healthy lunch
-jigsaw puzzle for eternally-long lights

9:25 a.m.
Saved a bit of energy by dodging hills from yesterday. Lots of wet pavement though, and I've left the fenders off.

9:30 a.m.
Lion's Gate just as steep as it was yesterday. Kept it in 3rd a bit longer though.
Deep breaths, get the rhythm going.
Deeeeep breaths.

9:34 a.m.
Oh God! The sewage treatment plant!

9:39 a.m.
Stop at the top for a quick water. Need to get a bike-mounted bracket for the bottle as it's hard to fish it out of the bag.
There are phones with hotlines to crisis centers for people considering jumping off the bridge.

9:42 a.m.
Wheeeee! I need gloves though, pavement breaks are hard on the wrists.
Is it weird that I make vroom-vroom noises when I'm shifting gears?

9:45 a.m.
Cool '57 Chevy cruising around the West End. Check it out a little too long, nearly kill pedestrian.

9:47 a.m.
Over the Burrard Street bridge, making good time. Stuck at the light again.

9:50 a.m.
Nearly follow portly gentleman across street. Light had not changed, he had just lost will to live apparently. Luckily managed to not get run over.

9:52 a.m.
Climbing Cypress...

9:55 a.m.
Cel-phone rang. Foolishly answered it. Riding one handed like a true Vancouverite, weaving around like I need training wheels. Co-worker calling to say he needs me to work late.
Giant hill approaching, need both hands on the handlebar, trying to get off phone. Co-worker not hanging up.
Finally hang up. Seem to have climbed hill when on phone.
Huh.

10:00 a.m.
T-t-t-his r-r-r-oad i-i-s t-t-t-t-errible!
Not a fan of the nutcracker suite.

10:05 a.m.
Must be all the renovations going on. Trucks blocking road, backing out blindly everywhere.
On a side note, feel cool when the bike goes sideways under locked-up brakes.

10:10 a.m.
Love the hill on 33rd. Well, not love, but it's the last one of the ride pretty much.

10:15 a.m.
Am convinced that buttons at intersections not actually connected to anything other than reassuring chime. Wait wait wait.

10:20 a.m.
Waiting at light at 49th. Light finally changes to red for cross-traffic.
2-3 seconds after light changes to red, Corolla rolls through with sign on the door that says "Budget Driving School".
You can't make this stuff up.

10:25 a.m.
Pass whole line of traffic down Cambie.

10:27 a.m.
At work. Sweet! Shaved a couple minutes off!
Hrmm. Hair is quite helmet-shaped.

10:29 a.m.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Need to do something about that saddle.

Monday, June 8th: Cycling to Work

9:05 a.m.
Leave the house. West Van not so hilly as everyone says.

9:10 a.m.
Hmmm, not sure where I get on the bridge, better follow this guy.
Good lord, his calves are like grapefruits! No, watermelons!
I have all the muscle definition of Pinocchio, and this guys about to burst his leg-skin asunder, Hulk-style.

9:15 a.m.
Argh. Lion's Gate is steep.

9:25 a.m.
Diesel fumes are horrible. Just got passed by a dwarf on a mountain bike. Almost at the top....

9:27 a.m.
Wheeeeeee!

9:33 a.m.
Cycled through the West Side to English Bay. Great weather out, not too many cyclists. Almost run over by a front-end-loader. Over the Burrard Street Bridge next.

9:38 a.m
Wheeeeeee again! Oh hang on a moment, traffic ahead.
Eternal light doesn't change. Still not changing.
Still not changing.
Still not changing.
Does this button even work?

9:45 a.m.
Finally! Over to Cypress.
Urgh, hills.

9:53 a.m.
Around 30th. Oh hey, cute girl!
Wait, no. Remember, married.
Also, out-of-shape, sweaty and ginger.
Hmmm...
Note to self: appreciate wife more.

9:55 a.m.
Crap. Missed turn because of cute girl. Left here?

9:58 a.m.
Hills hills hills. Another note to self: check to see if Alps actually located in central Vancouver.

10:06 a.m.
On the flat now. More eternally unresponsive lights.
Riding slowed by buffeting from what feels like 100km/h headwind. Weirdly, leaves completely still when stopped. Probably El Nino.

10:12 a.m.
Uh-oh. Eyes getting itchy. Pollen being rammed into them at speed.
Better not rub them....

10:13 a.m.
Arrgh! Rubbed eyes!

10:17 a.m.
Last of the side streets. Seems mostly downhill.

10:20 a.m.
Last stretch down Cambie. Top gear, lets see what we can do!

10:22 a.m.
Victory! Overtook myopic octegenarian in Geo Metro.

10:23 a.m.
Octegenarian in the lead again...

10:25 a.m.
Arrived! Hot, itchy-eyed but victorious!
I'll stash my bike in the back and get some water.

10:27 a.m.
Um. Ouch.
Man region not very happy.

The Bus

Now, I've been taking the bus on-and-off for some time, it's not a really a new thing for me. I enjoy the break from stop-and-go commuting and the ability to put on the headphones and watch Top Gear on my laptop.

I always try to sit at the back, usually in the right corner, as it's least likely to get the glare on the laptop, and nobody's going to look over my shoulder. Also, the back of the bus is where all the cool people got to sit when I was a kid. So this is sort of my chance now.

Riding the bus can be great if your Bus Karma is good, and all your connections line up and you're not standing around waiting too much. On the other hand, there's always those Bad Bus Karma days when you sprint four blocks to catch the bus but the driver pulls away just as you get there and then sits at the red light, three feet from the stop, ignoring your hammering on the door with a steadfast adherence to regulations that provides a glimpse into how things like the Third Reich happened.

Also, a good bus can sometimes be a mini-theatre troupe. There's borderline-racist old people, young punks swearing good-naturedly, and a whole cavalcade of weirdoes.
Case in point: this Sunday I took the bus up main from work and a guy got on with an exposed attached catheter bag full of urine.
He sat down and began talking.
"This is a nice city. Lots of condos. I never raised my kids in no condo. I talk to myself, but I used to be a DJ, so there you go."
Then the bus rear-ended somebody and a multiply-pierced kid from Halifax who looked like he should be on a poster about the importance of nailgun safety started talking about how bad Vancouver drivers were.

However, we do like to retreat into our own little world on buses. I was lucky enough to catch one of the "trivia busses", where the bus-driver asks questions and rewards people with chocolate bars. Nobody wanted to play. Sad.

Introduction

Hello! My name is Brendan, I'm 30 and I live in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.

The most most important thing you need to know about me is that I'm nuts about cars. Like, really nuts. Not oh-isn't-that-cute nuts, or eccentric nuts. Nuts in the way that tends to provoke nervous laughter and, just occasionally, straightjackets and nice, burly men in white coats. You know, dart-gun nuts.

This is my car:


It's a 2002 Subaru WRX wagon. I have done a few things to it. More than a few, really.
It has (deep breath) a AUDM STi VF-35 Turbo, STi Pinks 565cc Injectors, STi V7 Top-mount, APS 65mm Intake, Perrin 2.5" Inlet with Afta-Maf, Perrin Lightweight Crank-pulley, Rocket Rally Up-pipe and Downpipe, STi Catback, Rocket Reflash and Custom Dyno Tune ~350hp@6500rpm, STi Scoop and V7 Splitter, Koni Inserts, STi Springs, Full TiC shift-linkage bushings, RCE Canted Caster plates, Group N Rear Strut Mounts, Whiteline Steering Rack and Outrigger Bushings, TiC Fender Braces, Whiteline Front and Rear Sways and Endlinks, Comfort Anti-Lift-Kit, Rear Subframe Lockbolts, Enkei RP02Js w/ Sumitomo HTR ZIIs, and a partridge in a pear tree. Oh, and custom-made, hand-turned, laser-engraved, oiled walnut shift-knob.

So there you go: nuts.

That's not even the worst part of it. I write a weekly column about cars for a local newspaper. I'm one of the top commenters at an online blog-site about cars. Every time I'm involved in a conversation with a group of people, the subject invariably turns to cars.

What can I say, I looove cars. So far, I have cleverly avoided raising the wife's suspicions by having the car in her name. Muahaha.
However, she still took it with her to Victoria, as we're moving over the next couple of months. That means I am wifeless and carless for the next eight or nine weeks, and I'm going to have to find my own way around, just like a normal human being.
No camshafts.
No burnouts.
No turbos.

:(